Is It Ever Okay to Hit on Someone at the Gym?

By now, most people should know that hitting on someone at the gym with a cringy pickup line is, more often than not, creepy. (And if you didn’t, well, it’s never too late for an etiquette brush-up.)

“A gym is not like a club or café,” Kristal DeSantis, LMFT, Austin-based therapist who offers couples counseling, tells SELF. In those spaces, “it’s kind of accepted that you may be approached, whereas the gym is more of a gray area.” It’s one of the few places people go to focus on themselves or decompress—not to fend off unsolicited “Sooo…do you come here often?” encounters. Not to mention, this kind of environment can make some people feel more vulnerable than usual; whether you’re in tight clothes that show a little more than you’re used to, or you’re makeup-free and drenched in sweat, it’s not exactly an ideal moment to end up on a potential partner’s radar.

That’s why, if someone does catch your eye, figuring out what to do next can leave you…conflicted. Despite all the warnings and horror stories, however, finding love with your gym crush is possible—and according to Olivia Lord, CPT, NASM-certified personal trainer at Crunch Fitness in New York City, it can actually work out beautifully in the end. After all, one of the most crucial parts of dating is making sure you have stuff in common, and with a fellow regular, you already share at least one mutual hobby, Lord tells SELF.

The key, though, is making your move respectfully. So, here’s how to shoot your shot…without earning the title of the local creep.

First, here’s what you shouldn’t do

A few golden rules to keep in mind before you start hitting on someone at the gym: Don’t hover around their machine. Don’t stare at them as they move from station to station, hoping to catch their attention. And whatever you do, do not comment on people’s bodies—not even in a “flattering” way. “Saying something like, ‘I love your glutes,’ can feel really creepy, as if you’re looking at them in a sexual way,” La Keita Carter, PsyD, licensed psychologist and owner of Institute for HEALing in Owing Mills, Maryland, tells SELF. In general, stay away from appearance-based “compliments” altogether because there are so many better ways to connect that don’t make someone feel like they’re being ogled at or objectified.

How to flirt at the gym without creeping them out

1. Wait for the right moment.

It’s not just what you say; it’s when. The fastest way to make things weird is by ambushing them mid-set or striking up a conversation while they’re wearing headphones and bracing for a heavy squat.

Instead, Dr. Carter recommends looking for moments when they’re not so preoccupied—when they’re refilling their water bottle, say, or grabbing their belongings to head out for the day. These are the times when they’re more likely to be open to a casual chat, she says—which can make all the difference between a welcome interaction and an intrusive gym faux pas. (But remember, don’t stalk them with your eyes either. Just casually scan the room while doing your thing rather than fixating on them and only them.)

2. Keep your comments light, personalized, and genuine.

Contrary to what you may have learned on TV, the best kind of flirting doesn’t rely on cheesy pickup lines, over-the-top compliments, or seductive smirks. It’s about letting the spark form naturally through small, organic conversations, according to every expert we spoke with.

Instead of, “Hey, I’ve been checking you out,” Dr. Carter recommends keeping your opener related to the workout or group class: “I think I’ve seen you in this class before. Do you like this instructor?” or “I noticed you’re a really fast runner. How do you keep that pace?” Another way to break the ice before asking for their number is with a thoughtful observation, DeSantis adds—but make sure to focus on details that feel sincere, unforced, and well, not stalker-ish. Maybe they’ve got a sticker of their favorite basketball team on their water bottle—that could be your cue to say something like, “I love that team, too! Are you a big fan?” Or if they’re rocking bright sneakers with a sick colorway, there’s an opportunity to casually compliment their kicks, ask if they’re worth the hype, and get a sense of whether they’re vibing with you.

Complimenting their achievements, rather than their looks, is another feel-good yet respectful conversation starter, Lord points out. But tone is everything here. And because “Nice squat form” can sometimes sound like “I’ve been staring at your ass,” it’s better to focus on their strength or skills. Think, “Your push-ups are seriously impressive. How long have you been coming here?” or “I couldn’t help but notice how much you were deadlifting—do you have any pointers?” The key is to keep it natural and authentic if you want to form a real connection, not a stale pickup attempt devoid of any chemistry.

3. Read their energy—and know when to move on.

This is not one of those “if you don’t succeed, try again” situations. When it comes to not becoming your gym’s resident creeper, “being able to pick up on social cues is key,” DeSantis says, which is why it’s worth getting familiar with a few clear signs of disinterest.

As a personal trainer, Lord has witnessed it firsthand: “I’ve seen people crossing their arms or physically backing away from the conversation”—classic indicators that they’re not looking for small talk right now. Someone who’s ready to bail might also turn their head back to their station or machine, she says, give one-word answers, or throw out a polite but obvious exit line (“Alright, good luck with your set!”).

If you’re still unsure of whether or not you’re vibing? Err on the side of caution, all three experts agree, and move on. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being cornered by a fellow exerciser, and pushing too hard can turn what’s supposed to be a safe, neutral space into an awkward, uncomfortable one. So, read the room and respect the vibe—don’t be the reason someone needs to reroute their entire workout just to avoid you.

Related:

• 7 Little Things Personal Trainers Wish You’d Stop Doing in Your Workouts
• Should Height Matter in a Relationship?
• 6 People Who Found Love Without Dating Apps Share How They Did It

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